“I had to, I had no choice.” Statements like this are not uncommon in coaching and supervision conversations. But they’re only absolutely true in the most extreme situations: where certain and imminent catastrophe leaves one with a single viable option. In most cases, while it feels like there are no other options, a more accurate appraisal would be to concede, “I didn’t want to consider other options, I just wanted to alleviate my unpleasant feelings of anxiety as quickly as I could.” The quick fix leaves us acting on our feelings, compelled by narratives of ‘gottas’ and ‘havetas’.
In the world of Freudian psychoanalysis, a patient using phrases like “I have to”, “I must”, “I should” would be a tell-tales of neurosis – an impulse from outside our conscious mind designed to protect us from intolerable thoughts or memories. . Family Systems Theory thinks about ‘gottas’ and ‘havetas’ as possible indicators of over-responsibility: “I’m afraid that ‘x’ bad outcome may happen so I’ll do ‘y’ to prevent it even if it’s not my responsibility to manage.” It’s more impulse than thoughtful. We kid ourselves that it’s just for the short-term, or just in this crisis moment.
In the bestselling book ‘The Anger Fallacy’ Laurent and Menzies apply a cognitive behavioural approach to our thoughts and beliefs about what others should or ought to do. They posit that these often-unexamined expectations, of ‘shoulds’ are the basic driver of anger. When others don’t come through, sometimes their ‘shoulds’ become our ‘havetas’.
While we may find ourselves giving in to gottas and shoulddas as a way of calming ourselves down in the short term, in time these behaviours take their toll. On top of the fatigue of doing more than is ours to do, a creeping resentment begins to take root: a sense of things being unfair, that other are taking advantage of us. Pretty soon the cynicism and compassion fatigue characteristics of burnout turns up in our personal narrative.
What’s worse, our being over-responsible in one sphere of life can lead to neglecting responsibilities in other spheres. How many people in Christian ministry neglect their personal health or their familial relationships because they’re spending disproportionate resources chasing ‘gottas’ and ‘havetas’ at work?
Taking time off brings only temporary relief. As soon as we return we resume our over-responsibility. Pushing for others to step up a take responsibility may produce change eventually, but that’s unlikely as long as we’re acting as backstop. Often the most effective and efficient way of warding of impending burnout is to challenge our own thinking and change our reactive responses to the circumstances that pull us into yielding to the ‘gottas’ and ‘havetas’.
Sometimes it’s helpful to ask, “What will actually happen if I don’t compensate for another person’s irresponsibility? The trick is to try to be as factual as possible about the most likely outcomes, rather than the one we most fear. Then ask, “If the most likely outcome happens, then what?” It’s usually not as catastrophic or unbearable as we fear.
Avoiding burnout sometimes requires us to embrace the unthinkable:
- be willing to not meet people’s expectations and to tolerate their disapproval
- allow people that natural consequences of their actions
- allow unsustainable activities to flounder without propping them up.
It’s about being clear on our own responsibilities and clear on what we will and won’t do.
Of course, this is all easier said than done. Working with a coach, psychologist or supervisor can help you see where your ‘gottas’ and ‘havetas’ are doing you in.
You can also sign up for this short online course: https://pathways4mission.com/product/survive-and-thrive-in-ministry/